Is there a word for "unintentional lies?"

There should be.

Anyways, here I am, months after my last post in which I promised (well, maybe I didn't promise, but I certainly did suggest) that I would start blogging more. I didn't. Thus, it was an unintentional lie.

I'm pretty much just here to say that I, once again, want to start blogging again. I miss the feeling. Blogging forces me to organize all of the thoughts and feelings that swirl around in my head and in my chest--and I'm finding that if I don't organize them, I end up feeling grumpy... and then confused about why I feel grumpy. Sometimes I think I might just need to define how or what I'm feeling in order to feel healthy.

But, now is not the time. Finals start Thursday (and any prayer would be appreciated in regards to this), and continue through Saturday. Tomorrow night I begin the uncomfortable process of trying to learn all of my required material. This means, obviously, no blogging for me until after that.

After that, I will blog once more.

Cameron

p.s. Please don't think of me as a liar
p.p.s. I could probably just use a thesaurus or a dictionary

A quick "Hello" and a name change

Hello.

I just thought I would post today, as I have nothing to do at the moment and haven't touched this blog in several months. I kind of missed it, and I've gotta be honest--it feels good to be back, even if it has only been for 45 seconds at this point. I don't really have anything earth-shatting to say (but, then again, when do I ever?)... I mostly just wanted to (A.) Get a new post so that an advertisement for a 3-month old show isn't the first thing someone sees shold they stumble upon this page and (2.) Mention that I plan to start blogging regularly again. This is not because I think my thoughts are worth anyone taking the time to read, but because it was always a great way to process my thoughts and nail down exactly what was swirling around in my chest. Getting outside input was always great, too (because I can be very, very wrong sometimes and it is important to get slapped back into reality every now and then). So, anyways, hopefully this is the beginning of a new, long chapter in the life of this blog. Adios.

P.S. I decided to change the name of the blog from "They Call Me Heger" to "Learning How to Die." I thought that "They Call Me Heger" sounded a little self-important. "Learning How to Die" comes from a Wilco song titled "War on War." I think it is a concept that is, in a sense, a summation of the rest of my life. Every day for the rest of my life I'm told I have to die to myself and put on Christ if I want to really live. I'm learning how to do that.

You have to lose
You have to lose
You have to learn how to die
If you want to want to be alive
You have to die
You have to die
You have to learn how to die
If you want to want to be alive

--Heger

CFP Saturday, May 13

For one night only, the U of A's own Christmas Fuller Project is co-headlining with Famous In May. The show begins at 8:00pm at the Music Hall in Fayetteville (off College Avenue, right behind Hunan Manor). The cost is $8. There's a strong to quite strong chance that it will be a fun time, so please feel free to come on out and listen to your friends play some music. Siloam Springs' Welling Skydive will also be playing.

CFP is...
...Brandon George (vocals, guitar)
...Cameron Heger (drums, percussion)
...Aaron Hopwood (bass, vocals)
...Nick Roland (guitar, keys, vocals)

www.myspace.com/christmasfullerproject

Jesus, don't cry.

If I can share with you for a moment how much of a nerd I truly am, I would like to let you know something about me. Something a little embarassing. I (and Nick Roland was the first person to realize it) have a tendency sometimes to imagine myself in a movie scene at random times throughout the day. It usually only happens when I have music on (whether in my car or in my headphones makes no difference), mostly around sundown or when it is raining. You know, the moments when the mood is thick. What mood that is, I don't know. Anyway, I will suddenly forget that I'm a regular person doing a common, every day task, and suddenly I am in the middle of a magnificently-crafted feature with the perfect soundtrack to match the visuals. I know, I'm an idot.

All of that to say that I had one such moment today. I turned in a paper to my Anthropology teacher's mailbox, and walked out of Old Main. I stood there, took out my iPod, turned to my favorite album by one of my favorite bands (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco), and began to walk. My plan was to walk to the bus station near the Student Union and catch a ride down to Pomfret, so I set my iPod to the song "War On War" and picked up my pace.

Then, for the first time, God arranged one of the above-stated moments. The song ended in 3 minutes 49 seconds, and then, expectedly, went to the next song on the album, which happens to be one of the best songs Wilco has ever written, "Jesus, Etc." The smooth guitar and keyboard started and, alas, a "movie moment" was triggered. The scene was mournful, although not completely depressing--much like the song. 20 seconds into the song, Jeff Tweedy's words kicked in, opening the song with the line "Jesus, don't cry." 3 words that speak thousands (although probably not, to me, in the way Mr. Tweedy intended). At this exact moment, I turned the corner of Mullins Library and saw something that always hits me right deep in the left side of my chest: a campus street-evangelist. "Jesus, don't cry," I repeated. Only in a movie... only in a movie.

My heart ached at the thought, for surely this one was going to be just like all of the rest I had seen--loud, obnoxious, confrontational, judgemental, self-righteous, etc. I turned my iPod off, and decided to take a seat by the lawn where he was "preaching."

Sure enough, he was everything I expected and more. "Jesus, don't cry," I prayed.

I don't remember any of the exact arguments he was trying to push, but I remember all of his applications of them being nearly 100% wrong, based on my (admittedly poor) understanding of the person of Jesus. It broke my heart. It usually does. I should have known better than to stay and listen, because I always end up with an unbelievable amount of personal guilt and responsibility for what the person says. Although, maybe that's a good thing?

There is a reason why Christianity has been pushed to the margins of our culture. And I don't mean popular culture, because Jesus never had a chance of reigning there in this world. I mean to say that Christianity has been largely rejected as a legitimate lifestyle/worldview by our society in general. And most of it is because of people like 'Moses,' as people call the genteleman I saw today. When robbed of its authenticity and used as nothing more than a way to assert one's superiority over another, Christianity has no purpose in this world other than to, excuse my French, piss off all of those who don't fall under its banner.

I must admit, the effect that "Moses" had on everyone in the crowd was quite disgusting. It caused everyone to begin to throw out hatred like confetti, yelling equally horrible things back at him. And one of the scarriest parts of it was the fact that a few Christian guys I was standing by got caught up in all of the hatred, as well. They started saying things like "someone needs to just go up there and punch him in the mouth," "he needs to die," etc., etc., etc. Even in myself (not surprisingly), I could feel the smallest bit of self-righteousness brewing. Luckily, I noticed what was going on in my heart and in the hearts of those around me before I let it get out of hand, but I was still shocked at myself. Here I am, furious, hurt, saddened, and disgusted with things I am hearing, and then I turn around and nearly let do the exact same thing to "Moses."

I guess I'm just deeply saddened, more than anything else, by the fact that this is what Jesus looks like to so many people out there. If this is who Jesus is, then all of the cynics and skeptics are right--we don't need him. But, luckily, the Jesus that I know and love isn't anything like that Jesus. He is so many things and he isn't so many things, and I don't know where to begin listing so I won't, but he is absolutely beautiful in every way and the people need to know him. They need to know the real him.

I think that that is the problem. Jesus hasn't become marginalized in society, but imposters have. If we were actively showing (not telling, showing) the world Jesus day in and day out, I really believe that multitudes would be changed. His lifestyle is too revolutionary, too simple, even too progressive (who'da thunk it?) to be dismissed. (Note: This is not to say that I don't feel that proclaiming the name of Jesus is important, it most certainly is. But I would argue that showing him is much, much more impactful than nearly any word that can be spoken--to the cold-hearted, especially)

Jesus has recently, in the last year or so, smashed much of my old "American Christian" worldview to pieces and built something back up that is much more beautiful than I could have imagined before. He's smashed my old thoughts of who he is and what he did. He's smashed my idea of who I am. And he's still doing it (because I am stupid and I am stubborn), smashing and rebuilding things every day, keeping the elements that are good and throwing away the ones that aren't. And sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it makes you feel stupid, and sometimes it confuses you, and sometimes its the most wonderful feeling in the world. But, it is happening, both during the times I like it and the times I don't. Its an odd thing to go through, as most of you probably know, but I want everyone to experience it.

I know I'm kind of jumping around a lot now, and, I'll be honest, I have no intention (and probably not the creative ability) of tying everything up. I guess, if I can end this post with anything, the thing that best sums up my last 2 or 3 paragraphs, it would be these lyrics:

And I'm trying to make you sing
from inside where you believe,
like its something that you need,
like it means everything.

And I'm trying to make you feel
that this is for real,
that life is happening,
that it means everything.

I'm just trying to make you sing.

These are from the last song on David Crowder*Band's latest album, "A Collision." The song is called "The Lark Ascending (Or, Perhaps More Accurately, I Am Trying To Make You Sing)." Its probably one of the most uplifting and inspirational pieces of music I've ever heard (which simultaneously shows my disgusting lack of culture and my unrelenting love for Crowder). Its simply an honest plea to the listener to consider everything that the album had discussed before. Not just to think about it or even to intellecuatlly adhere to it, but to fully, in your heart of hearts, come to realize that this life is what its all about--that it means everything. The incarnation and the resurrection really happened. And it means everything.

It means everything.
--Heger


P.S. Oh and I just kind of feel like mentioning, since I haven't as of yet on this blog, that I currently have a girlfriend, and she is pretty much the most amazing girl I have ever met (besides my mom, but thats a given). Now, I might get in trouble for writing that, as it very well could embarass her, but thats just a chance I'm willing to take. Her name is Ellen, by the way.

A shameless plug...

Well, its that time again, folks. Its time for Christmas Fuller Project to play another show.

Oh, you don't know who Christmas Fuller Project is? Well it is a band composed of none other than Brandon George (vocals/guitar), Cameron Heger (drums), Aaron Hopwood (bass/vocals), and Nick Roland (guitar/vocals/keys). They play music. Sometimes, good music. You should come give them a listen.

Here are the details:

We are the opening act for a local band showcase aptly titled "Spring Fling 2" this coming Friday night. It is at the Music Hall in Fayetteville. In case you don't know, its on College behind Hunan Manor. We go up at 7:15 (give or take a few minutes), so if you're planning on coming, you may want to get there around 7ish.

We only get to play for 25 minutes, I believe, so it won't take up too much of your precious Friday night. The door charge is $8. If we can draw a decent crowd, then we will get a chance to headline at the music hall in the next month or two, so while you're under no obligaton what-so-ever to come, we would really appreciate any and everyone who shows up.

The other bands playing are "Jarris", "Brighter Later", "Johnny Unite Us", "Six Hung Sprung", and "Stars Trapted in Ebony." They'll be playing all night.

We love you.

A Recap

So our band (Christmas Fuller Project) just played its first show this past Friday night. I posted about it on the band's blog. Check it out here.

P.S. I really do plan to get back on some consistent blogging here pretty soon, so my apologies to anyone who might actually like to read this little thing, I'll be back soon.

Top albums of '05 and why I am an idiot

Well, the year of 2005 officially ended 7 days ago, so I thought it would be appropriate for me to do a list of my favorite albums of the year. It was tough, but I think I narrowed it down to my 12 favorites... and I think I have a pretty good order. Oh, and by the way, I do not claim in any way to be any kind of music expert or critic. I siimply know what I like and what I don't. Oh well, here goes:

1. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

In my opinion, Sufjan Stevens is one of the freshest voices in music today. With his signature densely layered folk/pop instrumentation mixed with his surprisingly straight-forward and honest lyrics, Illinois is easily his most accessible and catchy album to date (and, in my opinion, his best). If you haven't heard Sufjan Stevens, Illinois is a great place to start.

Highlight: "Casmir Pulaski Day"

2. The Decemberists - Picaresque

I discovered the Decemberists last Christmas when I got their first CD, Castaways and Cutouts, from my parents. Their latest album, Picaresque, finds main songwriter Colin Meloy at his best, matching his beautiful melodies with even more ridiculous yet heart-warming/wrenching fictional stories.

Highlight: "The Engine Driver"

3. Coldplay - X&Y

"The New U2's" third CD shows that while they haven't nececarily broken any new ground, they don't have to. Solid songwriting and instrumentation make the whole album great from start to finish. And while their core sound remains mostly unchanged, a shift to a more technological sound with more delayed guitars, synthesizers, loops, and all kinds of bells and whistles keeps things from getting stale.

Hightlight: "Fix You"

4. David Crowder*Band - A Collision

In my opinion, David Crowder is the most original voice in worship music today. "A Collision," essentially a concept album, is one of the most creative works in the genre that I have heard in a long, long time. Crowder, with this album, not only made worship music "cool," but he made it challenging and thought-provoking.

Highlight: "Rescue Is Coming"

5. Wilco - Kicking Television: Live in Chicago

Wilco is easily my 2nd favorite band in the world (behind Radiohead, of course), and their latest album, a 2-cd live album, showcases the band with pretty much their most cohesive and talented line-up yet. Hearing them play old songs from their 2nd album "Being There" with a newfound burst of energy is easily my favorite aspect of the album.

Highlight: "Misunderstood"

6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Simply fun, danceable music. While their lead singer's voice takes a little getting used to, you can't help but tap your foot to this stuff. Perhaps the most amazing thing about this album, however, is that it was recorded, mixed, produced, and distributed by the band themselves without any help from any record label of any kind. Impressive.

Highlight: "The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth"

7. Sigur Ros - Takk...

The Icelandic group that sounds like a half-man/half-elf/half awesome-creature-I-don't-even-know-about-yet, has put out simply a record containg a great, emotional ride (even though I can't understand the words at all). I haven't heard any of their other albums, so I can't compare Takk... to any of their past albums, but I do know that I like this one a whole lot. Ubben is going to see them live in February, and I am extremely jealous.

Highlight: "Hoppípolla"

8. Death Cab for Cutie - Plans

Death Cab's Ben Gibbard is a great songwriter, and his backing band is very good, as well. We have always known this. And while their new album is very good, it doesn't show us anything new about the band. I'm not complaining, though, because what we get is still a great collection of pop songs, some sad, some happy, that add up to one of the better albums of the year.

Hightlight: "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

9. Ben Folds - Songs for Silverman

This is the first Ben Folds CD I have heard, but it makes me want to check out his back catalog. His beautiful melodies and impressive piano playing mixed with his always clever lyrics make for a fun, if forgettable album. My favorite song on the album is probably his tribute to the late singer/songwriter Elliott Smith called "Late."

Highlight: "Late"

10. Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary

Modest Mouse's Isaac Brock produced this album, which sounds quite a bit like an album Modest Mouse could have made. The thing is, I would take these guys over Modest Mouse any day of the week.

Highlight: "Shine A Light"

11. Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

Jack Johnson... the guy will probably never make a "great" album, but he will most likely never make a bad one. He has been essentially playing the same song for 5 years, but it is a good one. His choppy strum patterns with his smooth vocals and surfer-dude mentality make "In Between Dreams," and every one of his albums for that matter, great stuff to put on in the background and swing in a hammock to.

Hightlight: "Better Together"

12. Spoon - Gimme Fiction

Somewhere, a long time ago, pretty pop music and elemental rock n' roll met and had a love child known as the band Spoon. They have always had a stripped down sound, using usually just a guitar, a piano, drums, and sometimes a bass--but with Gimme Fiction, the minimalist approach sounds more exciting than ever.

Highlight: "I Turn My Camera On"

---------------
Whew, that took a while.

I guess, in other news, I am an idiot. I'm an idiot because I have started too many books at one time. Before Christmas, I was in the mididle of both C.S. Lewis's "Surprised by Joy," and his Narnia book "Voyage of the Dawn Treader." For Christmas I got Donald Miller's "Through Painted Deserts" and St. Augustine's "Confessions." I immediately had to start the Miller book, as his first book, "Blue Like Jazz," I consider to be a key part of my spiritual formation. Then I was browsing through Barnes and Noble a few days after Christmas, and I decided I had to pick up Lewis's "Miracles," and "Reflections on the Psalms." I also bought a book called "Emerging Churches" by Eddie Gibbs and Ryan K. Bolger and thought it too interesting to wait to read. So here I am, with 4 books going in addition to daily scripture reading, and several more staring me in the face begging me to read them. I'm never going to finish any of these. I'm an idiot.

Adios.