I overheard an interesting conversation with one of my managers at work today. She was telling some story that I caught the tail end of, the only part I heard being "And I hope his only son turns out to be gay! That would be hilarious."
"What?" I asked.
"Oh, my girlfriend's dad is a church-person--not that there's anything wrong with that! I like church people!" she replied. She said "not that there's anything wrong with that" because she knows I'm a Christian and therefore a "church person". She didn't want to offend me, I guess.
She continued, "You know, everytime my girlfried is around him now, he makes everyone keep their distance from her. 'Shun the lesbians' he says... or at least it seems like he must say that."
What followed was my favorite part:
"I mean, he goes to church every Sunday, never misses a sermon. Except for the ones on 'not judging lest you be judged'."
"The ones on acceptance," I said.
"Exactly!" she said.
"The ones on love," I said.
"Love! Yes!"
"Thats sad," I said. And it is sad.
It makes me sad that the Christian stereotype is now associated with something negative, something hateful and judgemental. What used be the "salt" and the "light" now is the gavel and the sounding block.
We've screwed something up.
When did the Christianity become something negative? When did God become a justification and a motive for hate? When did the church become a tool to be used to swing votes for political campaigns? I don't know. But it makes me very sad. I can't imagine how sad it makes Jesus.
The worst part about this whole thing is that, at times, I'm that guy. I'm the guy that uses God as a motive for hate (whether I realize it or not). I'm the guy that uses scripture to condemn others when only God has that right. Etc., etc., etc.
The fact is, there is a law. There is an absolute right and wrong. But it is not my job to make anyone obey that law. Someone who doesn't love Christ has no reason to obey his commands, so we need to stop acting as if they do.
Jesus didn't use "gay" as a derogatory term. He didn't walk up to adulteresses and tell them they were dirty whores (and, for that matter, he didn't call them dirty whores behind their backs). He loved them and invited them to his dinner table. He told others to quit judging them. He befriended these downtrodden people. Then, later, in love, he told them to repent and sin no more. JESUS did.
Jesus was awesome.
--Heger
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Girls are pretty
I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I get a little lonely. Sometimes I feel like there's a little gap in my life. Sometimes I really wish I had a girl that I could really care about and that could really care about me. That would make me complete.
Then I pick up a bible and randomly start reading it and come across this verse:
And I start to think that I'm on to something. I start to think "Thats it! That's what I've been looking for! It is NOT good for me to be alone!"
But then I check out what good ole' Paul was up to:
But why would Paul say something like that? Well, its almost a given:
Makes sense.
Its just that a wife is something that I really want. To selflessly love someone so much that I would lay down my life for them just as Christ did for the church is something I want to give to/do for someone.
I once heard Laural Eddleman say that at the moment in her life when she completely gave up worrying about finding a husband and became totally dependent on God and, essentially, became comfortable with the idea of living a life of undivided attention to the Lord, God gave her Josh.
I realize all of this, and I think its quite beautiful. Its just that sometimes its tough to not want to just jump into a relationship. I've wanted to before. Its tough to see a Godly woman and realize that I just am simply not ready to offer her anything of worth yet until I've offered God everything I have. Its hard when you want to give someone something, but you have nothing to give. I've got to get to the point where I don't worry about stuff like this. To simply live has to be Christ, and to die has to be gain.
As long as I feel like I'm "incomplete" without a "significant other", I will never deserve one.
And even now, the fear is creeping up in the back of my mind that I only want to depend on God like this simply because I think I have a better chance of getting married than without doing it. I have to truly, and I mean truly desire nothing but God. Needless to say, this is his work to do and it is my job to seek him and let him break me down. I sure as heck can't do it.
Let me rephrase the start of this post:
-----
I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I get a little lonely. Sometimes I feel like there's a little gap in my life. And the very fact that I think it exists is why it can't be filled.
Then I pick up a bible and randomly start reading it and come across this verse:
"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone.'"
And I start to think that I'm on to something. I start to think "Thats it! That's what I've been looking for! It is NOT good for me to be alone!"
But then I check out what good ole' Paul was up to:
"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry."or
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am."or
"Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife."Oh.
But why would Paul say something like that? Well, its almost a given:
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife--and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a way in undivided devotion to the Lord."
Makes sense.
Its just that a wife is something that I really want. To selflessly love someone so much that I would lay down my life for them just as Christ did for the church is something I want to give to/do for someone.
I once heard Laural Eddleman say that at the moment in her life when she completely gave up worrying about finding a husband and became totally dependent on God and, essentially, became comfortable with the idea of living a life of undivided attention to the Lord, God gave her Josh.
I realize all of this, and I think its quite beautiful. Its just that sometimes its tough to not want to just jump into a relationship. I've wanted to before. Its tough to see a Godly woman and realize that I just am simply not ready to offer her anything of worth yet until I've offered God everything I have. Its hard when you want to give someone something, but you have nothing to give. I've got to get to the point where I don't worry about stuff like this. To simply live has to be Christ, and to die has to be gain.
As long as I feel like I'm "incomplete" without a "significant other", I will never deserve one.
And even now, the fear is creeping up in the back of my mind that I only want to depend on God like this simply because I think I have a better chance of getting married than without doing it. I have to truly, and I mean truly desire nothing but God. Needless to say, this is his work to do and it is my job to seek him and let him break me down. I sure as heck can't do it.
Let me rephrase the start of this post:
-----
I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I get a little lonely. Sometimes I feel like there's a little gap in my life. And the very fact that I think it exists is why it can't be filled.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Moving
My family is moving tomorrow. Here are some pictures of the "important" parts of my home before it is emptied. Remember the good times.
My room.
The "Band Room".
The "TV Room".
My room.
The "Band Room".
The "TV Room".
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Worship
I have a hard time with corportate/community worship sometimes. I have a hard time staying focused sometimes. I am easily distracted and Satan knows it and he exploits it. But I also think that part of the problem lies in how we view "good" worship.
Before I go any further, let me back up a little bit.
When I'm at a Church worship service or whatever, I intend to worship God however he leads me to. I try to stay sensitive to what he is leading me to do. Its great. God and I can just hang out and I can tell him how I feel about him and how grateful I am for him and I can ask him questions. The only thing is, there are other people there with us.
This sometimes causes 2 problems. Problem 1 is that whenever I get moved to stand up/lift my hands/do a little jig/whatever, I begin to think about what other people are thinking. If I'm one of the only people doing it, do they think I'm showboating? Do they think I'm trying to prove how "spiritual" I am by doing that stuff? And, in all acutality, am I? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.
Problem 2 is that if I don't feel moved to stand when everyone else is, if I feel like I'm worshiping how I need to be by just sitting silently/laying down/singing quietely/etc., do people think I'm not into it? Do they think I'm falling asleep? Do they think I'm spiritually bankrupt at the moment? Do they think I'm not standing just to be different and, therefore, once again, to make myself look "spiritual"? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.
Whenever I am focused on God and praising him, none of this is a problem. The problems come when I put the focus on my self. That is when I start comparing myself to everyone around me--that is when I start worrying about what kind of presentation I am putting off.
The thing is, with so many songs these days proclaiming what WE do (with words saying "WE love you lord WE love you", "WE stand and lift up OUR hands", "so WE raise up holy hands", "WE bow down"), it is not difficult to start thinking about what I am doing. (note: Not that I have a problem with any of these song lyrics, I recognize that they are still about giving glory to God, I'm just saying)
Also, I've hard a lot of talk from our Chruch staff about how "good" worship was at this service or how "passionate the kids seemed" at that service. And the measuring stick for how "good" a service is tends to be how visibly passionate the students get during it, meaning how many of them stand up/lift up their hands/cry/etc. Now I completely agree that the staff needs to be aware of how good of a job they are doing at providing an easy environment to encounter God in, and that they should always try to improve in that area. And I also realise that seeing how many kids lift their hands or whatever is probably the best thing we have to go by. But still, it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Sometimes I just get frustrated by the emphasis on "passion" in worship. Only because when people refer to it they tend to only mean "visible passion" or outward displays of "passion". I completely agree that worshippers should be passionate, but I think passion is more of a state of heart than something that can always be physically measured.
Emotion. Emotion is another thing. Sometimes I get self conscious because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one at a service who isn't crying or hasn't cried during the service. To be honest, I've probably only cried 2 or 3 times during worship through song. Ever. And even then, it probably wasn't a full-fledged "cry", it was more like a couple of tears.
I think too often people can get being emotional about something confused with being passionate about it or loving it. C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, I believe, talks about how simple emotion can't be depended on solely to sustain love. True love is something that blossoms into its maturity long after "falling in love" has taken place. Couples completely in love who have been married for years don't have the same outward emotional response to each other that they had when they were newlyweds, but I guarantee that their bond is much more real and much stronger than 20 years earlier when they barely new each other. I think this is how it is with God. For me, at least. I just don't get that emotional about him and what he's done for me anymore. I want to. I think it would be beautiful if I could. I just can't. I don't. I love him all the same and I completely understand all he's done for me and all he will do for me and how ungrateful I am etc., but I've known it since I was 10. It just doesn't attack my feelings anymore they way it once might have.
I heard someone say one time "You know, when you're up on stage leading worship, you can tell exactly where someone is in their spiritual walk by how they are worshiping." I don't know about that. Maybe. In some cases, certainly. But in other cases, not at all. I would hate to be the guy (and I probably have been) who just doesn't feel particularly led to stand and dance around during worship--who, rather, feels led to just sit in stillness and sing heartsongs to God and is then viewed by the staff as "the guy most in need of prayer". (But, then again, me even thinking about that is just my pride coming out--my longing to be viewed as a "spiritual leader")
My point is, I just want to reach the point where I can do these things:
* Stay seated without feeling like I'm letting the ministry down by not being "passionate"
* Stand up without people thinking I'm trying to impress everyone else
* Not feel like a cold-hearted shell of a man when I don't get overwhelmed with emotion
To be honest, I realize that a lot of this is just me being distracted and not being focused on God. But I do think that some of it is a real issue that should be discussed.
I guess, in the end, I just don't want some kid out there to ignore how God wants him to worship by standing with everyone else or sitting with everyone else--I wan't everyone to realize that they can worship however they want whenever they want.
Sorry if this is a jumbled, incoherent mess. Its 1:38 in the morning and all of this is just pouring out of me randomly. I might edit it soon.
Goodnight.
Before I go any further, let me back up a little bit.
When I'm at a Church worship service or whatever, I intend to worship God however he leads me to. I try to stay sensitive to what he is leading me to do. Its great. God and I can just hang out and I can tell him how I feel about him and how grateful I am for him and I can ask him questions. The only thing is, there are other people there with us.
This sometimes causes 2 problems. Problem 1 is that whenever I get moved to stand up/lift my hands/do a little jig/whatever, I begin to think about what other people are thinking. If I'm one of the only people doing it, do they think I'm showboating? Do they think I'm trying to prove how "spiritual" I am by doing that stuff? And, in all acutality, am I? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.
Problem 2 is that if I don't feel moved to stand when everyone else is, if I feel like I'm worshiping how I need to be by just sitting silently/laying down/singing quietely/etc., do people think I'm not into it? Do they think I'm falling asleep? Do they think I'm spiritually bankrupt at the moment? Do they think I'm not standing just to be different and, therefore, once again, to make myself look "spiritual"? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.
Whenever I am focused on God and praising him, none of this is a problem. The problems come when I put the focus on my self. That is when I start comparing myself to everyone around me--that is when I start worrying about what kind of presentation I am putting off.
The thing is, with so many songs these days proclaiming what WE do (with words saying "WE love you lord WE love you", "WE stand and lift up OUR hands", "so WE raise up holy hands", "WE bow down"), it is not difficult to start thinking about what I am doing. (note: Not that I have a problem with any of these song lyrics, I recognize that they are still about giving glory to God, I'm just saying)
Also, I've hard a lot of talk from our Chruch staff about how "good" worship was at this service or how "passionate the kids seemed" at that service. And the measuring stick for how "good" a service is tends to be how visibly passionate the students get during it, meaning how many of them stand up/lift up their hands/cry/etc. Now I completely agree that the staff needs to be aware of how good of a job they are doing at providing an easy environment to encounter God in, and that they should always try to improve in that area. And I also realise that seeing how many kids lift their hands or whatever is probably the best thing we have to go by. But still, it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Sometimes I just get frustrated by the emphasis on "passion" in worship. Only because when people refer to it they tend to only mean "visible passion" or outward displays of "passion". I completely agree that worshippers should be passionate, but I think passion is more of a state of heart than something that can always be physically measured.
Emotion. Emotion is another thing. Sometimes I get self conscious because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one at a service who isn't crying or hasn't cried during the service. To be honest, I've probably only cried 2 or 3 times during worship through song. Ever. And even then, it probably wasn't a full-fledged "cry", it was more like a couple of tears.
I think too often people can get being emotional about something confused with being passionate about it or loving it. C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, I believe, talks about how simple emotion can't be depended on solely to sustain love. True love is something that blossoms into its maturity long after "falling in love" has taken place. Couples completely in love who have been married for years don't have the same outward emotional response to each other that they had when they were newlyweds, but I guarantee that their bond is much more real and much stronger than 20 years earlier when they barely new each other. I think this is how it is with God. For me, at least. I just don't get that emotional about him and what he's done for me anymore. I want to. I think it would be beautiful if I could. I just can't. I don't. I love him all the same and I completely understand all he's done for me and all he will do for me and how ungrateful I am etc., but I've known it since I was 10. It just doesn't attack my feelings anymore they way it once might have.
I heard someone say one time "You know, when you're up on stage leading worship, you can tell exactly where someone is in their spiritual walk by how they are worshiping." I don't know about that. Maybe. In some cases, certainly. But in other cases, not at all. I would hate to be the guy (and I probably have been) who just doesn't feel particularly led to stand and dance around during worship--who, rather, feels led to just sit in stillness and sing heartsongs to God and is then viewed by the staff as "the guy most in need of prayer". (But, then again, me even thinking about that is just my pride coming out--my longing to be viewed as a "spiritual leader")
My point is, I just want to reach the point where I can do these things:
* Stay seated without feeling like I'm letting the ministry down by not being "passionate"
* Stand up without people thinking I'm trying to impress everyone else
* Not feel like a cold-hearted shell of a man when I don't get overwhelmed with emotion
To be honest, I realize that a lot of this is just me being distracted and not being focused on God. But I do think that some of it is a real issue that should be discussed.
I guess, in the end, I just don't want some kid out there to ignore how God wants him to worship by standing with everyone else or sitting with everyone else--I wan't everyone to realize that they can worship however they want whenever they want.
Sorry if this is a jumbled, incoherent mess. Its 1:38 in the morning and all of this is just pouring out of me randomly. I might edit it soon.
Goodnight.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Children
My sister came over today around 1:00 with her two daughters (my two nieces), Katheryn and Bree. They were out back swimming for a while with my mom. After a while, I went out back to see how Jennifer and my mom were doing (and to see the two little weasles).
Katheryn is 6 (I think), and she is hilarious. She really likes me a lot, I think. She will give me all the hugs and kisses I want.
Bree, on the other hand, is still a little shy. She is somewhere between 1 and 2 I think (sorry, I'm terrible with judging babies' ages... she can talk a little if that helps) and until today she had never even acknowledged me. She gave me my first hug and kiss today. It was very special.
Anyways, we were all out back by/in the pool, and I decided to try to have a conversation with Bree.
I started out with a simple question, "How are you today, Bree?" to which she responded with "My mommy!" and pointed to Jennifer. I said "Yup, that is your mommy, but how are you doing?". "My mommy" and a point. "Bree, I know that that is your mommy, but what are you doing?" "My mommy". "Okay, okay... what's your favorite song?" "My mommy!" Every single question I asked her she responded with the same two words and a point to my sister (granted, the wording I asked her the questions with was intentionally over her head, so she was probably confused, but still).
Being the jerk that I am, I then thought, "I can have a little fun with this."
So a few minutes later, it hit me. I was going to try to confuse her. Bree was sitting right next to my mom, so I looked at Bree, then pointed to my mom and said "My mommy". Bree again responded "My mommy" and pointed to Jennifer. So then I pointed to Jennifer and said "My sissy". "My mommy!" Bree said. I'll transcribe the rest:
Me: "(pointing to my mom)My mommy, (pointing to my sister) My sissy."
Bree: "My mommy!"
Me: "(pointing to Jennifer) My sissy."
Bree: "My mommy!!"
Me: "My mommy, my sissy, my niece, my mommy, my sissy, my mommy, my mommy, my sissy, my niece."
*pause*
Bree: "MY MOMMY!"
I probably kept that going for 5 minutes, with Bree getting gradually more and more upset that I couldn't understand that her mommy was all that mattered in the world. She was almost on the verge of tears when I said "Okay, Bree, that's your mommy over there." She looked up at me with the most sincere eyes and said "Yup, my mommy." and then went back to her business.
It hit me later that no matter what question I asked her, she would respond the same way "My mommy". To her, her mommy is all that matters in the world right now. Her mommy is all that she is passionate about. Bree can't make her own food, she can't "go potty" by herself, she can't even hardly open a door. She is completely dependent on Jennifer for her every need. Thus, no matter what I could think to ask her, she would not be wavered. All she cared about was where her mommy was and she made sure that everyone else knew who her mommy was/where she was.
Bree can't do anything. She's completely dependent. We've all heard this comparison a million times. "Jesus wants us to become like children because children are dependent and can do nothing on their own yada yada yada..."
Yes.
But, Bree showed me the other side--a possible other reason why God chose children as the model. Its because they are so in love with and obsessed with those who provide for them. Bree answered every question I asked with "My mommy", and while it was not a very coherent answer (especially when the question I ask is "what did you do today?") it made me dang of sure where her focus was. Her mind was completely focused on her mom, the person who is the very reason why Bree is even alive. And that focus and love spilled over into every single thing she did today.
If we were only like that. Passionately and blindly in love with the Father.
I can see it now:
Random Friend: "Heger, so I saw such and such movie, what did you think?"
Me: "My Daddy! ...I mean, it was pretty good."
RF: "So do you know if anything is going on tonight?"
Me: "MY DADDY! ...uh, sorry, what?"
RF: "I asked if anything is going on tonight that you know of?"
Me: "MY DADDY!!"
RF: "...ok, you're an idiot, I've got to go..."
Me: "Dadddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!"
Well... that probably was the single worst example conversation I could possibly have written. Oh well. Obviously God is not going to give us a passion for him that makes us completely illogical and semi-retarded. But, you know what I'm saying...
Katheryn is 6 (I think), and she is hilarious. She really likes me a lot, I think. She will give me all the hugs and kisses I want.
Bree, on the other hand, is still a little shy. She is somewhere between 1 and 2 I think (sorry, I'm terrible with judging babies' ages... she can talk a little if that helps) and until today she had never even acknowledged me. She gave me my first hug and kiss today. It was very special.
Anyways, we were all out back by/in the pool, and I decided to try to have a conversation with Bree.
I started out with a simple question, "How are you today, Bree?" to which she responded with "My mommy!" and pointed to Jennifer. I said "Yup, that is your mommy, but how are you doing?". "My mommy" and a point. "Bree, I know that that is your mommy, but what are you doing?" "My mommy". "Okay, okay... what's your favorite song?" "My mommy!" Every single question I asked her she responded with the same two words and a point to my sister (granted, the wording I asked her the questions with was intentionally over her head, so she was probably confused, but still).
Being the jerk that I am, I then thought, "I can have a little fun with this."
So a few minutes later, it hit me. I was going to try to confuse her. Bree was sitting right next to my mom, so I looked at Bree, then pointed to my mom and said "My mommy". Bree again responded "My mommy" and pointed to Jennifer. So then I pointed to Jennifer and said "My sissy". "My mommy!" Bree said. I'll transcribe the rest:
Me: "(pointing to my mom)My mommy, (pointing to my sister) My sissy."
Bree: "My mommy!"
Me: "(pointing to Jennifer) My sissy."
Bree: "My mommy!!"
Me: "My mommy, my sissy, my niece, my mommy, my sissy, my mommy, my mommy, my sissy, my niece."
*pause*
Bree: "MY MOMMY!"
I probably kept that going for 5 minutes, with Bree getting gradually more and more upset that I couldn't understand that her mommy was all that mattered in the world. She was almost on the verge of tears when I said "Okay, Bree, that's your mommy over there." She looked up at me with the most sincere eyes and said "Yup, my mommy." and then went back to her business.
It hit me later that no matter what question I asked her, she would respond the same way "My mommy". To her, her mommy is all that matters in the world right now. Her mommy is all that she is passionate about. Bree can't make her own food, she can't "go potty" by herself, she can't even hardly open a door. She is completely dependent on Jennifer for her every need. Thus, no matter what I could think to ask her, she would not be wavered. All she cared about was where her mommy was and she made sure that everyone else knew who her mommy was/where she was.
At that time the disciples cam to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like these little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18.1-4)
Bree can't do anything. She's completely dependent. We've all heard this comparison a million times. "Jesus wants us to become like children because children are dependent and can do nothing on their own yada yada yada..."
Yes.
But, Bree showed me the other side--a possible other reason why God chose children as the model. Its because they are so in love with and obsessed with those who provide for them. Bree answered every question I asked with "My mommy", and while it was not a very coherent answer (especially when the question I ask is "what did you do today?") it made me dang of sure where her focus was. Her mind was completely focused on her mom, the person who is the very reason why Bree is even alive. And that focus and love spilled over into every single thing she did today.
If we were only like that. Passionately and blindly in love with the Father.
I can see it now:
Random Friend: "Heger, so I saw such and such movie, what did you think?"
Me: "My Daddy! ...I mean, it was pretty good."
RF: "So do you know if anything is going on tonight?"
Me: "MY DADDY! ...uh, sorry, what?"
RF: "I asked if anything is going on tonight that you know of?"
Me: "MY DADDY!!"
RF: "...ok, you're an idiot, I've got to go..."
Me: "Dadddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!"
Well... that probably was the single worst example conversation I could possibly have written. Oh well. Obviously God is not going to give us a passion for him that makes us completely illogical and semi-retarded. But, you know what I'm saying...
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