Worship

I have a hard time with corportate/community worship sometimes. I have a hard time staying focused sometimes. I am easily distracted and Satan knows it and he exploits it. But I also think that part of the problem lies in how we view "good" worship.

Before I go any further, let me back up a little bit.

When I'm at a Church worship service or whatever, I intend to worship God however he leads me to. I try to stay sensitive to what he is leading me to do. Its great. God and I can just hang out and I can tell him how I feel about him and how grateful I am for him and I can ask him questions. The only thing is, there are other people there with us.

This sometimes causes 2 problems. Problem 1 is that whenever I get moved to stand up/lift my hands/do a little jig/whatever, I begin to think about what other people are thinking. If I'm one of the only people doing it, do they think I'm showboating? Do they think I'm trying to prove how "spiritual" I am by doing that stuff? And, in all acutality, am I? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.

Problem 2 is that if I don't feel moved to stand when everyone else is, if I feel like I'm worshiping how I need to be by just sitting silently/laying down/singing quietely/etc., do people think I'm not into it? Do they think I'm falling asleep? Do they think I'm spiritually bankrupt at the moment? Do they think I'm not standing just to be different and, therefore, once again, to make myself look "spiritual"? Sometimes no. Othertimes, yes.

Whenever I am focused on God and praising him, none of this is a problem. The problems come when I put the focus on my self. That is when I start comparing myself to everyone around me--that is when I start worrying about what kind of presentation I am putting off.

The thing is, with so many songs these days proclaiming what WE do (with words saying "WE love you lord WE love you", "WE stand and lift up OUR hands", "so WE raise up holy hands", "WE bow down"), it is not difficult to start thinking about what I am doing. (note: Not that I have a problem with any of these song lyrics, I recognize that they are still about giving glory to God, I'm just saying)

Also, I've hard a lot of talk from our Chruch staff about how "good" worship was at this service or how "passionate the kids seemed" at that service. And the measuring stick for how "good" a service is tends to be how visibly passionate the students get during it, meaning how many of them stand up/lift up their hands/cry/etc. Now I completely agree that the staff needs to be aware of how good of a job they are doing at providing an easy environment to encounter God in, and that they should always try to improve in that area. And I also realise that seeing how many kids lift their hands or whatever is probably the best thing we have to go by. But still, it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Sometimes I just get frustrated by the emphasis on "passion" in worship. Only because when people refer to it they tend to only mean "visible passion" or outward displays of "passion". I completely agree that worshippers should be passionate, but I think passion is more of a state of heart than something that can always be physically measured.

Emotion. Emotion is another thing. Sometimes I get self conscious because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one at a service who isn't crying or hasn't cried during the service. To be honest, I've probably only cried 2 or 3 times during worship through song. Ever. And even then, it probably wasn't a full-fledged "cry", it was more like a couple of tears.

I think too often people can get being emotional about something confused with being passionate about it or loving it. C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, I believe, talks about how simple emotion can't be depended on solely to sustain love. True love is something that blossoms into its maturity long after "falling in love" has taken place. Couples completely in love who have been married for years don't have the same outward emotional response to each other that they had when they were newlyweds, but I guarantee that their bond is much more real and much stronger than 20 years earlier when they barely new each other. I think this is how it is with God. For me, at least. I just don't get that emotional about him and what he's done for me anymore. I want to. I think it would be beautiful if I could. I just can't. I don't. I love him all the same and I completely understand all he's done for me and all he will do for me and how ungrateful I am etc., but I've known it since I was 10. It just doesn't attack my feelings anymore they way it once might have.

I heard someone say one time "You know, when you're up on stage leading worship, you can tell exactly where someone is in their spiritual walk by how they are worshiping." I don't know about that. Maybe. In some cases, certainly. But in other cases, not at all. I would hate to be the guy (and I probably have been) who just doesn't feel particularly led to stand and dance around during worship--who, rather, feels led to just sit in stillness and sing heartsongs to God and is then viewed by the staff as "the guy most in need of prayer". (But, then again, me even thinking about that is just my pride coming out--my longing to be viewed as a "spiritual leader")

My point is, I just want to reach the point where I can do these things:
* Stay seated without feeling like I'm letting the ministry down by not being "passionate"
* Stand up without people thinking I'm trying to impress everyone else
* Not feel like a cold-hearted shell of a man when I don't get overwhelmed with emotion

To be honest, I realize that a lot of this is just me being distracted and not being focused on God. But I do think that some of it is a real issue that should be discussed.

I guess, in the end, I just don't want some kid out there to ignore how God wants him to worship by standing with everyone else or sitting with everyone else--I wan't everyone to realize that they can worship however they want whenever they want.

Sorry if this is a jumbled, incoherent mess. Its 1:38 in the morning and all of this is just pouring out of me randomly. I might edit it soon.

Goodnight.