Another failure.

Its amazing how you can forget things--important things.

I went to lunch with Brandon George a few days ago, and he started talking about an old friend of ours from elementary school. It has probably been over a year and a half since I've even thought about him. But, for the first time, hearing his name brought a serious sense of guilt and conviction.

A little bit (or a lot) of backstory: Me and this guy, his name is Benly, were probably best friends in elementary school. We spent the night with each other every couple of weeks. He would come over after school every few days to draw (and what great artists we were!). At one point, me and Benly decided to create our own series of comic strips called something like "Toyland". It was about talking toys, shoes, appliances, etc. And, yes, I think it was before "Toy Story" came out. Disney owes us. Big.

Anyways, I moved away to Dallas, TX three-fourths of the way through 4th grade. I didn't really keep in touch with Benly at all (or any of my Arkansas friends, for that matter--except George). But, one year later when I moved back, I immediately started hanging out with all of the old guys again. I didn't hang out with Benly as much as before, but we were still friends.

So, 8th grade rolls around, and I have science with him.

I would like to pause here and talk a little bit about 8th-grade Cameron. 8th-grade Cameron was not a very mature kid. He was immature in most things, in his faith moreso than other things. Looking back, my memory of myself in 8th and 9th grade is one of the most humiliating things to think about for me.

Back to the story: Towards the end of the year in science, Benly and I get into different relatively deep conversations of the spiritual nature. Benly wasn't a believer in Christ, but he enjoyed talking about certain aspects of the faith with me. One day, he came to class and asked me this: "Cameron, what would you do if one of your best friends... (he had trouble getting it out)... if one of your best friends was gay? Would you still be their friend?"

My response to this still kills me. There is not a lot I wouldn't give to go back and change it... I didn't really think about the question, I just spurted out something like "Hahaha, man, I don't know. That would be SOO weird! I don't think I could be friends with someone like that. I mean, I believe that it is sin, and I don't want to be around it." He had a hard time understanding what I meant.

He probably asked me that question 5 or 6 times throughout the rest of the year, each time with more seriousness. Each time, my answer got a little more serious, but a lot less loving. The conversations started to end in full-fledged argument and bitterness. Mostly because I thought that what I was saying was a given, and I didn't know why he was so interested in that question.

I didn't really keep in touch with him over the summer, and I didn't have any classes with him in 9th grade.

When high-school rolled around, it all made sense. I was told in 10th grade that Benly "came out of the closet." He was a self-proclaimed homosexual.

I can't describe the sense of confusion and self-righteousness that filled me as I tried to figure out what all of this meant. I eventually settled on this: "I am a better person than him." Now, in my mind, Benly was a sinner, he was corrupt, he was on Satan's side. And because of this, I may or may not have started to hate him. I can't say for sure. I probably didn't, deep down, but I don't know.

Either way, I made absolutely no effort to talk to him. In fact, I made effort to not talk to him. I would purposely avoid eye-contact with him when walking down the hall. Even looking at him, "a fag", made me uncomfortable. This continued through sophomore year.

Midway through junior year, I began to realize that the way I thought about him and the way I treated him were wrong. I wanted to make things right, to a certain extent. I didn't necessarily want to be friends with him, but I did want to apologize for essentially ignoring him for 2 years.

I never got the nerve to do it, though. By the time senior year rolled around, he was no long attending Springdale High School. I knew where his old house was and had no reason to assume he had moved, but I thought going to his house would be too risky. No one I knew had his number. I was probably kind of relieved.

Since then, my entire perspective on homosexuality has changed. Homosexuals are simply people who struggle with sexual temptation/sin, except that for them, there is no holy, healthy context for it (as there is marriage for man and wife). At the same time, lets not do the "fashionable" thing and sugar-coat it--it is most definately sin. Romans 1:24-27 depicts it as an especially perverse sin (although, again, all sins are equal in that they all separate us from God). The thing is, though... we're still called to love sinners. LOVE them. Not just "tolerate" them. God did love me, after all. Anyways, I think I've gone off on a huge spiel about this before on this blog, so I'll stop there. The main point is, I was terribly out of line in treating Benly that way.

So now we're back to a few days ago. Me and George's lunch conversation. He tells me that he heard Benly had dropped out of school (not just transfered or whatever I had assumed), had gotten into drugs possibly, and was kicked out of his house. Man.

That is when the guilt really, really set in. I had kind of forgotten about him, to be honest. But, now, all of my mistakes are very clear. I failed both God and Benly with ignorance, arrogance, and hate.

I would love to have the chance to talk to him and just apologize to him and tell him if he ever needs anything to let me know. I pray that I will get that chance. I also pray that he is ok. If anyone who reads this could pray these things, and, most importantly, that he would come to know Christ--that would be huge.


People like me give Christians a bad name.