Popular Music

Every now and then I forget to bring my iPod with me when I get into my car. On those fateful days, all I have to feed my musical appetite is my handy dandy FM radio. I oftentimes wonder if the quality of popular American music has gotten any better since I swore off the radio a year or two ago. The answer is, of course, no.

The sheer ridiculousness of the majority of the music I hear on the radio blows my mind. It seems like every new "hit" song is just trying to one-up the one before it in a contest of "Who can make the most absolutely ridiculous sexual reference?" I've never heard so many bad puns, double-entendres, and made-up words in my entire life. I can't believe the media still refers to most of these people as "artists."

And so, without further ado, I give you

Heger's Most Ridiculous Songs of 2005:


3.) Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl

Uh huh, this my ****
All the girls stomp your feet like this

A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
[2x]

Oooh, this my ****, this my **** [4x]

I heard that you were talking ****
And you didn't think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack
Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out
That's right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up

A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
[2x]

Oooh, this my ****, this my **** [4x]

So that's right dude, meet me at the bleachers
No principals, no student-teachers
Both of us want to be the winner, but there can only be one
So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That's right, I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust

A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
[2x]

Oooh, this my ****, this my **** [4x]

Let me hear you say, this **** is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This **** is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
Again, the **** is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This **** is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S

A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
[2x]

Oooh, this my ****, this my **** [4x]

Commentary: First of all, I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is, but I wish she was one so she could just shut up. Oh Gwen, why? Why did you make this song? You're better than this, No Doubt is the proof. This is one of those songs that got stuck in everyone's head, so no matter where you went you always heard someone humming or singing it. I don't really know what the song is about, but here is what I've gathered: Apparently someone was "dissing" Mrs. Stefani and she wasn't too happy about it, and seeing as how she's "a few times been around that track", it ain't gon' happen like that. She perfectly summarizes the state of the situation by proclaiming it to be "bananas." And then she spells it... a lot.

2.) Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha

I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
Thats why whenever I come around shes all over you
And I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont you wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont you, dont cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it aint love
It just aint enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See, I dont care
But I know she aint gon wanna share
Hmmmm....

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha, don't cha, baby
Don't cha, alright, sing
Don't you wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't you wish your girlfriend was fun like me (big thrills)
Don't cha

See, I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
I understand (I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then, Oh friend you're secret is safe with me

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me (oh)
Dont you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me (like me)
Dont cha, dont cha, baby
Dont cha, alright, sing
Dont you wish your girlfriend was raw like me (raw)
Dont you wish your girlfriend was fun like me (big thrills)
Dont cha, dont cha

Commentary: The answer is no. No, I don't.

1.) Black Eyed Peas - My Humps

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

I drive these scrubbers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ice-ys.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and then Donna
Karen, they be sharin’
All their money got me wearin’
Fly gearrr but I ain’t askin,
They say they love my *** ‘n,
Se7en Jeans, True Religion,
I say no, but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And no I ain’t fakin’
We can keep on datin’
I keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump, my hump,
My humps they got u,
She’s got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon’ do with all that ***?
All that *** inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Lets spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can’t touch it,
If u touch it I’ma start some drama,
You don’t want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don’t pull on my hand boy,
You ain’t my man, boy,
I’m just tryn’a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps [x3]
In the back and in the front.
My lovin’ got u,
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.
She’s got me spendin’.
(Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me.

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon’ do with all that ***?
All that *** inside them jeans?
I’ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon’ do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I’ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.
She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin all your money on me and spendin’ time on me
She’s got me spendin’.
Spendin’ all your money on me, on me, on me.

Commentary: Absolutely, without a shadow of the doubt, one of the dumbest, most lyrically incompetent, degrading, and embarassing songs I've heard in a long, long time. I just pulled up my iTunes, and sure enough, this song is currently the #1 downloaded song. Unbelievable. People actually paid money for it. Just when you thought the Black Eyed Peas had made the worst song they could possibly make in "Don't Phunk with my Heart," they throw us a curveball and unleash the masterpiece that is "My Humps" to the world.

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I don't think this is what God had in mind at all when he allowed us to "create."

In closing, these are the "hit songs" that our (well... your) children are listening to and memorizing every word of.

Thanks for listening.